My message to Kasin,

14Sep06

I have this niece and to explain our relationship is very easy and very complex. I adore her as a woman and as a young girl because I think fundamentally she is both.

She had this baby and we celebrated his first birthday. He stopped by got his socks dirty on our deck, had this amazing ability to look at people like, “what the hell are you doing on my earth?” I love that look – it is genius! When he masters the “what the hell are you doing on my earth? Oh well give me a cookie,” that look will pay off big time.

They visited at the hottest time of the summer. Nicole was seven months pregnant with another child and having a small party for her little guy. We had something like a three-day party for the family.

The first day my brother’s chef abilities came in handy and he just took over my kitchen. Sincere, my deepest thanks go his way on that one. I’m hoping that everyone had a good time.

We did family things. We created rumors on these days, started stories that I’m sure are running rampant today. I say all this with a small grin. Isn’t that why we keep going back to our families? It is not only because of the things we love about them but also because suddenly we are offered in the presence of people who can both get angry at us and love us and just keep on that road forever.

I love that because in my opinion that is love.

It isn’t just the perfect moment captured on film – or watching a deer wander down a path with his family at his side. It isn’t only about thousands of bank sparrows floating magically over my head while I fish it’s other things too. It’s all the crazy stuff that somehow turns out okay because this is family. Not friend who offer a conditional love with lots of strings. Family when they get mad they just go away for awhile. My family is awesome because when they are totally livid and pissed at you they just exit stage left and then show up a year later ready to start anew – never mentioning how you screwed them in the first place. They are beautiful every last one and I wouldn’t change a thing about any of them.

I rambled didn’t I? I didn’t go there because I’m mad at anyone I just went there because I kept wondering what is unique, real and what I love about my group that happens to carry my blood. How about this? I have this skin disease – I had it since I was nine years old. Every time any young child gets the slightest rash they indirectly blame me. It’s always, “do you think this is psoriasis?” “I think maybe she/he has psoriasis” and etc. It does not matter that this disease came from my biological father and presumable many many generations before that. I just in their minds – I am the first one. It does not matter that it is scientifically connected to many other diseases including asthma, diabetes, and this rashy thing my sissy gets sometimes. Nevertheless, they chew it up with me as if I have cursed the next generation. Two of my older brothers now have it – it’s offset by a traumatic event that’s why mine came in at nine – and my bro’s came in at 35 or so.Normally if they were friends this would totally piss me off. I’m completely stereotyped. But I’m stereotyped by people who know me and it makes all the difference. I wandered down a sandy beach with my brother David on this birthday weekend. He picked up this broken piece of glass and it had this amazingly old date on it (Something like 1918)  Byron said, “hey I see an air bubble in this – this was blown.” That was something that stuck in my head for days afterwards. What a brilliant mind. While wandering down this sandy beach my brother was completely at ease and so was I. As I grow older with my brothers I feel this feeling more often. I know I am in the presence of someone who loves me and knows they are loved.

Thank you Kasin for that moment. I’m so glad you were born.

The day before everyone showed up my brother showed up. He keep bugging me – “hey lets get in the kitchen” later down the road after calling my boss and telling her no I won’t work today, after picking up, putting away, checking linen and rechecking and then saying, “aww screw it with the linen” I looked over and Emily was sweating while cooking breakfast for the family on the last morning they were there. I hugged my brother before he left and said, “I could not have done it without you.” I meant it. I would have failed completely.

In fear of repeating myself I have to thank you for that Kasin. I really am glad you joined us.

Next time though Kevin, a pig roast? Okay?

While, I was at the beach walking with my brother and talking with Nicole and Byron – my mom was cleaning my house. She did this when I felt so amazingly tired and burnt out and I couldn’t have seen me do anything but watch my fuchsias die in the mind boggling heat. I love who my mom has become over the years. I’ve never known anyone to grow so beautifully. While she was mopping floors and David and I was picking up glass on a beach, Kasin was trying to put sand in his mouth and his mom was doing everything to stop him.

Were not a perfect bunch Kasin, if they exist at all, but your welcome no matter who you become or grow to be.

I am glad and I thank everyone who came so I could spend a moment in their light. In the presence of who they are for that single moment in time.

I loved watching Mary finally accept a beer. Who feels so much like a sister to me it boggles my mind.

I loved watching my mom make Kasin laugh, only the way a one year old laughs, while my mom, his great grandmother made funny faces at him.

I loved watching Kasin chase balloons.

How Mary and Emily giggled in the corner at the comments made by everyone. It never felt condescending to me, only intimate.

I loved watching Nicole worry about everything her son did, ate, touched, mauled… oh did that take me back! It not only took me back to the worry of being a mom but the warmth too.

I love (as I’ve always loved) the way mom and Becky grab my son in a huge hug and ask him about his life over and over. They tell him he matters and I adore that – because I feel that.

I loved watching Davey (my other nephew) evaluated emotionally every person in the room with thoughtfulness, empathy and insight well beyond his years. How does he do that? At his age I was evaluating belly button lint.

I loved watching my brothers as I always do. In ways that I believe strongly only they understand and appreciate. You are my core and without you I would have never stood. I may have always been good and loveable but you made me stronger, faster and better at both.

Later, just yesterday, I loved listening to my sister recount her worries, about those days, about the puppies and how she thought a wolf got one in the night. She always seems to pick out the weakest in the pack and protects them. That kind of empathy is an amazing gift.

Again I have to thank you Kasin for blessing this planet and our family by spending time with us – I watched all these things on your first birthday. Thus I feel that I have to thank you.

I’m so amazingly glad you came.

Your Great Aunt Lori

p.s. I think I got a lot more on your first birthday than you did.

p.p.s here is what he looks like if someone just happens to land here.

kasin.jpg

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2 Responses to “My message to Kasin,”

  1. 1 greatgrandma

    That brought tears to my eyes..I worked my bum off getting online but was determend..love you all..Lori I hug nicky cause i adore your kids.I love all of you

  2. I love you back mom and thanks for the comment. It was just me babbling (agian) :o)


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