Happy Birthday….to me


Okay, Okay I probably broke some social rule by wishing myself a happy birthday however, I can create my own blog birthday card because I am an eccentric old lady, and dang proud of it.

May is cake month. My mom’s birthday is May 3rd. My son’s birthday is the 15th, mine is the 14th, two mom day cakes (we are at cake number five  here in case you lost count) and yes, there can be too much of a good thing. This year I turn 39 – it’s not that big of a deal however, I don’t mind aging.

When I hit 30, literally the day of my birthday,  I got my first gorgeous silver hair slicing right through my brown locks leading down to my left shoulder. I recall the feeling of making it of finally being done with it all. I’m not talking about being done with life but instead a sense of freedom overwhelmed me. I now can be exactly what I want to be. I can finally reach my ideal. I felt this loss of chains from society. I get to be the old lady who yells at dogs for digging holes. I get to muse on poetry and art for hours. I can repeat stories and people will listen or ignore but pretend to listen, while I repeat myself over and over. (Wait did I say that already?)

“Through the transparent darkness the stars pour their almost spiritual rays. Man under them seems a young child, and his huge globe a toy.” ~ Emerson 

I could be that child that Emerson spoke of and this globe could be my toy. I could let go of the mating game and grow the hell up. I realized that when a twenty year old even attempts to sound wise they just sound stupid. I had been sounding idiot my whole life. However, at 39, you can sometimes pull off wise. Just recall a few quotable quotes and read William Blake once in awhile, or maybe better yet, Emerson and suddenly you can blindside a know it all nineteen year old. Life is sweet.

You can gain twenty pounds and people don’t even look at you sideways. You lose twenty pounds and people treat you like you just walked on water.

No one expects you to wear a bikini or tank top as a matter a fact if you tried they’d beg you not too. Suddenly, fashion is rarely an issue. You want to mix checks and stripes and hey, it’s cool they don’t really look at you anyway. And I like that, not to be noticed, I’d rather people look at important things and they are out there.

Like when National Geographic put the pictorial and article up on how the oceans are being polluted. What real estate agents did to the skyline of Miami Beach. Notice that. Watch for the deer running across the highway – your kids life may depend upon it. Take a gander at the ice caps melting there are a group of polar bears hoping you will. Because I knew suddenly that I was not the center of the universe – anymore than the 14th century church was – but just one small particle in all of it. Larger than a grain of sand – but not by much.

Watch this; right now your reading this from a chick just a hair breath away from turning forty.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. ~Galileo

See it works – had I said I was nineteen I would have sounded like a self important puffed up windbag. Since I’m working on forty it sounds pretty okay. I’m not trying to sound like all nineteen year old kids are bad, or silly, or cannot be as intelligent and wise as someone at forty. (Many can outsmart me six days a week and twice on Sunday.) It’s just that in the words of a man much smarter than me there truly is “a time for everything.” It does not matter much if a person wanders through life and never gains patience. The universe is patient and so, since were aren’t running things, we have to wait. So wait I did for the miracle of this age.  

My husband bought me a .44 Magnum lever action Marlin for my birthday and I have every intention of taking down my first buck this November. I’ve been shooting everyday and so far, I’m doing decent enough to take one out without making a mess of it. I don’t think I’ll get the shakes because he has gently led me into this field. I’m not shooting because of fear, or want, or selfishness, I’m shooting out of respect. I have a feeling that only someone who has had the honor of petting a buck knows what I mean. And primarily knowing what it feels like to have nothing on the table when the Lord provides – this reality turned faith cannot be explained properly except – it is. There isn’t a point in my life, except now, that I could pull this off.

See forty is a beautiful thing because you can be anything. Crazy cat lady, crazy dog lady, you can plant flowers even if you have a brown thumb. You can hunt, fish, quote silly poems, eat pringles and a second plate of lasagna. Hell, you even know how to make lasagna. You can look sideways at a doctor and know he isn’t God and tell him “don’t be silly.” You can quote history and by pass on the Goodmorning America fashion tips. You just became old enough to laugh yourself into a frenzy at the things in life that are really funny.

See, getting older isn’t bad anymore than larvae turned butterfly is bad, or anymore than a flower opening is bad – it is.  And with age comes life’s gifts that are difficult to even comprehend. You figure out that teachers and college professors really don’t know everything – not even about their craft. And – at least in my case- I became able to live life genuinely. I became authentic.

The world does become a huge toy and in it I become a child. I can believe in a God that lets me think… there is so much more to say and of course like old talk in the nursing home it may compel you or bore you. In the end all I can say is anyone who knows – well, they know. I didn’t miss what happened on my thirtieth birthday. I got how really funny it was that the day I let go of 29, the age that women spend a lifetime calling themselves, this is the day I grew up. I’ve never pulled that silver hair and I look at it often. To remind me that all women get to grow only to “gracefully become.”

“Becoming” works out to be a fabulous path and even on my worst day this time in my life is without a doubt the greatest event of my life.


4 Responses to “Happy Birthday….to me”

  1. 1 montucky

    Happy Birthday!

    I thoroughly enjoyed reading your sentiments and agree with your conclusions wholeheartedly. I think that’s the truth of the matter. My wife and I have discussed the same things many times, and we found out long ago that gray hair can be really beautiful!

    I wish you the best of luck with that new rifle! Your husband is a wise man to have selected that particular one for you. It’s an excellent choice, and you will enjoy the hunt and, if the occasion arises, taking your first buck. I hope you do this fall.

  2. Thank you Terry!

    I’m a pretty lucky woman – even if I don’t get a buck. :o) He also got me a new lens for my camera – what with mom’s day being right on the heels of my birthday. Boy, the poor guy, could you imagine such pressure? Well I got to hand it to him he batted like a pro.

    Gray hair is great – and the silver breathtaking! I feel really blessed all the way around.

    ps just between you and me I can put the darned lens on but haven’t a clue on what it can do. :o)

  3. 3 myinneredge

    Hey Lori–Happy Belated Birthday…Welcome to the wisdom of age. I remember the morning that I turned 50 and decided that I would go to the convenience store in my pajamas. I started addressing doctors and other professionals by their first name;I generally became rebellious or entitled and the older I get, the more willing I am to “tell it like it is.” It’s wonderful! I love your photos and I feel like I’ve been for a walk in the wilderness when I visit your blog!
    Blessings and peace, Sandy

  4. Thanks Sandy! That is exactly what I’m talking about – boy did I get tired of social perfection – the right comments, the perfect coiffed hair, oh yuck! I’m thinking there is too much pressure on young ladies. I’m so glad that it lets up (even if it’s just in my own mind) when I get older. To me it felt like I became a better person because I could let go of what I should be and just be. I consider this attitude the best present! (Commonly like God’s gifts they turn out to be the best.) I’m glad you stopped by and commented especially like you did, primarily because knowing that the Big Guy passes this on to all ladies – we’ll I gotta tell you after spending countless hours doing our nails (and pretending to care that it matches our shoes) I gotta tell you it’s nice that we are eventually cut some slack.
    And please visit anytime I feel honored you stopped by – I love how you write so keep telling it “like it is” because whatever you’re doing it works with an honest simple beauty – which I both envy and applaud!

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